Jul 30, 2009

bottled up inside....

All I ever want to do know a days is just sit around and cry. How did my life get this way? I feel like it is crashing around me and there is nothing I can do it stop it. I never knew how much one thing can change someone's personailty so much. It hurts so much, and I never know what to think anymore. When I try to act like everything is okay, it works out. But once I sit down and think about EVERYTHING, its not okay. It hurts my heart so much, I just dont want it to be like this anymore. I am a newlywed I want to act like one. I want to not worry about things, and act like we are tied down we arent. I want to go on hikes, go fishing, explore this new state I live in, but my special someone doesnt. I feel like he never wants to do what I want or hang out with me and my friends. I feel like my life doesnt even matter to him, or he just doesnt care enough to care. I want someone who wants to do what I want too, puts my feelings and needs first. Someone to help me without bitching, someone who I can tell them anything and I they hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I just want unconditionally love no matter what, no matter what new medical condition arisies, or no matter how skinny or fat I get or how long or short my hair. If Im a blonde, red or brunette. I dont mean to bitch or make anybody look bad becuase hell I know I am not perfect, but still this is a recurring events, and I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like he has fallen out of love with me but loves me. He has no emotion what so ever and that kills me. I just want the guy I fell in love with almost 5 years ago. The caring, selfless, and protector guy I have known.

in 5 months everything will be clear, and I am not going down without a fight. Like I have been doing for the past 6 months..... But when things just dont change then my fight will be over.


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