my miracle

So I am still in shock and awe that this beautiful little girl came out of me. I was told I was never going to have children and 5 years after hearing that news I had come to the conclusion that I was okay with it. I was okay with being a great Aunt and Cousin. Then BAM I wind up pregnant, and I was beyond thrilled. She truly is a miracle to me, growing inside of me for 9 months and coming out with no health problems. I am truly blessed and every time I look down at her I just cry happy tears. When I feed her it is the most amazing time for me, it makes my bond with her that much stronger. 

I want to be her best friend, the person she can always come to with her problems. Someone she can  trust and never break promises. I want her to be able to tell me anything and not feel ashamed or feel like I am judging her. I want her to learn from my mistakes and have a great bright future. She is my whole entire world and I would do anything for this little girl. When she smiles at me, it just melts my heart. She truly is amazing.

And I couldnt ask for a better partner in raising her. He has embraced it so well and she is his whole entire world too. He has been there since day one and has been such an amazing support system for me. He truly is an amazing man and I am glad I can call him my best friend of ten years and my boyfriend. He does poopy diapers, he tries talking to her when shes fussy, he kisses her all the time. He is simply amazing.

Well I am going to go lay down, we were up cluster feeding all night so I need to get my rest for today. Thank you for all my followers that stuck around even when I wasnt blogging, I appreciate it!

xoxoxo nikki

Early Valentine's

Yes I got spoiled and got my V-day present early!

I am very lucky and so excited when I saw the little blue box :)

Happy Saturday!

oh how I dream

So my Valentine this year I guess is horrible at picking gifts.

So I hear from everyone around me and it just makes me laugh.

Its's just Valentines day, no biggie in my book.

Well my Valentine wants to make it extra special since I am pregnant and it is our first together.

So he keeps asking me what I want to do for it, where I want to go etc.

Well I haven't celebrated Valentines Day in almost 2 years so I have no clue.

I am not one of those girls that has to be proven that they are loved by a hallmark holiday.

But I guess it is nice to get nice things, get flowers and go out to dinner :)

So I made this for my Valentine!

I thought  it was cute and maybe he will stop bugging me LOL :)

Does your better half or hubby not like planning things?

Not very romantic? 

Do you have to drop hints too?!

Hope you all have a great Tuesday!

twenty six

Another week down!

I cant believe I only have a few more weeks!

I cant wait to meet babygirl, shes my whole world.

Here is babygirl in her little home :)

Hope you all have a great Thursday!

Off to run errands :)

{ i.give.up}

So I totally give up on trying to record when Reagan is kicking.

I swear I let her kick for a little bit then grab my phone to record it and she stops. 

Or I try to tell Jason so he can see and feel and she stops. 

Its kinda neat that it is something still between her and I but I want to show people.

Oh well I know soon when I am bigger everyone will be able to see it.

Christmas this year was so amazing.

I got so many things for Reagan and I am so excited.

I made a list of the basic needs we still need to get

ie; diapers, receiving blankets, pacifiers, wash cloths, towels, socks, beanies.

but I still got time but I am already in my nesting mode.

I want order for the baby and its hard when I havent even had my baby shower yet lol

The food was so good on Christmas and it was just so nice to be with family.

This week has really flown by.

I cant believe its almost January 2011!!

2010 was a bittersweet year for me.

The beginning of this year was very hard for me but it ended very well.

I cant wait for 2011 I have a feeling it will be very good to me, and that means Reagan will be here too.

Well I dont have too much of an update. 

So I will leave you with a few pictures I took of the belly today lol.

I still look little, but its a better picture(s).

The shirt is really red NOT orange lol

Me not paying attention.

Hope you all have a great night!

Monday Moans

Hi everyone! I hope ya'll had a great weekend! 

I am watching my brother and sister, who happen to be twins LOL for the week. Yes I am getting my "mommy" practice time in with 12 year olds! And I call my mom or text her once a day saying, "what did I get myself into?"  or "Am I sure I want to be a Mommy?" She replies with a huge laughter back! haha

When my child is 12 I dont know what I am going to do! AHH I am going to have grey hairs lol

Well we had a fun Saturday. We went to bath and body works. I was looking for bath products for bubble baths or bath salts and believe it or not they dont sell anything like that! I was pretty shocked myself. 

So we went to Old Navy because I really want some more long sleeve warm shirts since it is getting chilly here but they didnt have much to my liking. 

Then we went to the mall to go to the Victoria Secret panty raid! I was so excited, 7 pairs for $25. 

I also got a cute purple sweater from there and perfume! I am finally feeling like a girly girl again. :)

Other then that I relaxed all weekend. Sunday was my lazy day and all I did was clean my room and lounge around watching reality tv. I swear I am addicted to trashy reality tv, and I dont even know why! Its not that good, the people are ALL drama and I hate drama. But for some reason I just cant stop watching. lol

My guilty pleasures of reality tv is; Real Housewives of _________ ( I love all of them), 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom. 

I know I am horrible, strike me dead now. haha

BABY NEWS:

Nothing has really changed here. Except for maybe I finally have a tiny baby bump.

I know I should be happy that I am not huge and needing maternity clothes yet,

But I am nervous I am going to gain all this weight really late in my pregnancy

And never recover from it, or get really bad stretch marks.

But really should I even be worrying about this?!

NO!

Baby is doing great, feeling the little jumping bean a tad more

But sometimes it feels like gas, in one spot. Kinda makes me laugh

8 more days till I see if it is a girl or boy! :) 

 

 I am ready for bed and ready for these 8 days to be done with so I can decorate the nursery!

<<<<------------- Dont forget to vote on the sex of the baby!!

Live.Laugh.Love

I cant stop smiling! I catch myself laughing out loud and smiling constantly at my phone! I seriously have the greatest friends and family a girl could ever ask for! I wouldn't be able to do this pregnancy without them and I am so thankful for them every single day of my life. I finally know what true happiness feels like and soon my baby will make it complete. There is nothing in my life right now that I want, I have everything anyone could ask for.

With how my life was going a few months ago I was really depressed because of how I was being treated by someone I thought I was in love with. But that was just lust and now I see that. I feel like I have truly grown up even more with being pregnant. Its like a blindfold had been lifted off my eyes and I can see the world in a different way. I see when people are trying to screw me, help me and be there for me. I know the fake people from the true people. 

How does life know where to pick itself up and start over? Its so weird to look back on the past and see how sad I was and how I didnt want to talk to anyone. Now I cant wait to hang out with friends and family. Its what I look forward too. I seriously cant wait to see my baby. I want to know what he or she looks like. What he or she sounds like, smiles, and laughs like. I hope he or she looks a lot like me. :) I am just over the moon about bringing a baby into this world. I never thought I would see the day I would be pregnant now I cant see myself any other way! I hope I am a great incubator for my child, and they come out happy and healthy!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Love to all!

Meltdowns, Romance, And Happiness

I swear I have had more meltdowns during this pregnancy then I have ever had in my life. These hormones are killer. At least I can warn people that I am just in the mood to be messed with when I know I will snap lol. I wish I could control the horomones better but I am do the best I can do. And for my first pregnancy I think I am doing a pretty good job. :) If I know the little things are bugging me I just want open my mouth because I know its just me being pregnant. But I had a meltdown where I was crying the other day. Just looking at my finances and figuring out how I am going to pay for the large items (travel system, crib, etc.) since I am a single mother with no help from the biological dad. I do have other people helping me but I am not the type to just ask for things. I like to work hard for my things and now my baby things. I guess I need to let my guard down and just ask. Here are the items I want :)

Chicco Keyfit 30 in Miro

Ju Ju Be Diaper Bag

Da Vinci Roxy - BRU

But all of these are a pretty penny and I am saving as much as I can so I am hoping before the baby arrives I will have enough for all of it. I dont need the crib right away since I have a bassinet and that holds up to 40lbs.

I have just been happier since my morning sickness has fully gone away. *Knocks on wood* I am finally getting exicted for this pregnancy. I never thought I would be depressed about having a baby since I was diagnosed not being able to convieve children. But it is amazing how someone elses words can really affect you. I am finally learning too that me and this baby are going to be just fine. No matter where we end up, or what happens we will be just fine and get through life together. God would have not given me this gift if I was not ready and not strong enough to handle it. Sometimes I wish it was just eaiser but I know everything will work out just fine. I have an amazing support group, that makes me tear up just thinking about it :)

I am sad to say that my brother and I are still not on speaking terms. When I was in California visiting he was just straight up rude and got in my face about things that I didnt even do or say or act like. It breaks my heart and I just cried about it because I miss us being close. He has no idea how much this is killing me inside. He still doesnt believe that I am pregnant, why would I lie about something like that!?! I have ultrasounds and dr notes proving that I am. It amazes me how much he can hurt his own family members and have no remorse. I just wish I could say he is welcome around his niece or nephew but with the rate and the things he is saying to people close to me, he will not be welcome. God only knows what negative and untrue things he will say to my child. Why would I want that around myself? I pray constantly about this situation and it is all in God's hands now.



Second Chances

Do you believe in second chances? Or believe in giving someone second chances? Someone that has hurt you and wants to prove that they aren't like that? How are you supposed to know when to give a person close to you a second chance, or try from not falling for there crap again?

Why cant life come with a manuel to follow, it would make my life so much easier. I am so indesiseve and I think thats why I have such a hard time making descions. Plus I have scars from my past that I carry around with me, and when something happens remotely close to what happend in the past I cant make a descion on it. I know I have sometime to see how everything goes, and make my mind up then but its hard to guard your heart and be pregnant at the same time. Too many horomones going on at a time way too many emotions flying through my body.

I've always believed in giving people second chances, but this is a tad more serious. I have a child's well being to protect and make sure I am making the right descions for his/her life. I know I need to just do whats right and what I am feeling in my heart but its easier said then done. I have left into God's hands and whatever is meant to be will be. I just hope I am smart enough to know whats real and whats fake.

I am 12 weeks today! I am so excited! I have learned that I need to start eating a snack at 300am because if I dont I wake up through up mucus/acid from having nothing in my stomach in the mornings. Eww I know sorry TMI lol. I am wearing a sweater dress, leggings (maternity ones :)) and boots today and I swear I am going to live in this outfit! It is the most comfortable thing I have worn my whole pregnancy! And its super duper cute! :) I am feeling a lot better today, but I know when Friday hits, I will be back to being miserable lol. Only about 6 more weeks till I find out what my little ailen is! WOOHOO I am so excited. I say girl and the baby daddy says boy.

Well hope everyone has a wonderful wednesday!



Hormones or Feelings?

Lately I cant tell if it has been hormones or feelings when I get sad, but I am pretty sure this time it is feelings. This is going to be a "vague" post with no names or any specifics but I just need to get this out. What I am going through is a mind-blowing  horrible thing I am going through! I never thought this would ever happen to me. I dont think I am strong enough to handle all of these emotions. Reality hit me in the gut heart today and all I can think about is that! I feel like I cant breathe or work because it has consumed my whole mind. I am being SUCH a girl, because if this happened to a guy they wouldnt think twice about it! Sometimes I wish I was a boy so I could just not care about anything. Here is a video I think is a great thing Beyonce did, its so true!



God's Plan......

I have always believed it but with my plan from God unraveling it just makes me believe even more with my soul that God is always with us. It just sucks that there are people out there that will always judge my life and my decisions I make in it. I just wish some people would just be happy for me. I understand that my situation isn't ideal but still that shouldn't matter, they should be happy for me. I don't even feel like I can really express myself on my blog because it will just start crap that I don't have enough energy to start.

I am happy with my life, my decisions, and the way I am growing up.  I have made the best decisions for myself and my life and at the end of the day thats all that matters. But you see, I have always been the people pleaser and I am just sick of doing it. If I speak my mind I have too much backlash so I don't ever talk about it unless you are one of the very few people I tell.


It still breaks my heart that my little brother, Shaun is not speaking to me. He doesnt believe in me having this child which I cant even comphrend. And he has deleted me off facebook and that is just ridiculous because we are family no matter how much we fight. I just dont get him sometimes. All I want his for him to get  a job, finish high school and get himself on the right path. But when he cusses me out, and speaks to me like I am a POS, it hurts my heart and makes me want to not speak to him. I hope he realizes everything and realizes how selfish and childish this all is.

I have had a best friend for almost ten years! His name is Jason Arrollado and he is just a great guy. Of course I am going to say that about my best friend haha. But we have spoken probably almost everyday over the years and I never get sick of talking to him. We make each other laugh when we both want to cry. We know each other in and out probably better then we know ourselves. And for once in my life it doesn't make me scared that a man in this world knows everything about me; good, bad, silly, stupid, un-sexy, sexy, smart, not so smart, and so on. It doesn't make me want to hide anything about myself or change myself because he is my best friend because of who I am. Maybe they are right, your supposed to marry your best friend. haha But now I am truly finding that is a very true statement.

After being married and divorced I dont think being with someone for a year(s) will make the marriage better or make it worse. Yes I believe in knowing someone before you think about my marriage but I hate how society has made us believe that you should date for X amount of years, be engaged for X amount of years and then get married. Then wait X amount of months/years before having a child. How does society know your life, or your relationship or anything like that? How do they know your friendship of X amount of years/months turned into something more then a friendship and y'all want to take that next step in your life. How can anyone judge your life or think they know what is best for it if they are not in your shoes. Yes of course taking advice but doesnt mean you HAVE to follow that advice. Trust me I am all about proving the skeptics wrong, I dont mean to be that way it just happens. It pushes me to prove them wrong.

Sorry all of this has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind I just needed to get it out. For how outspoken I am, I have surprised myself that I keep a lot in. In fear of pissing  people off and then judging me and talking behind my back. I know pathetic. Lets justs say, if you dont approve of my lifestyle or the decisions I make, please do not write or post or read my blog. Thank You.


Well its almost my bedtime, yes I know I go to bed early haha. This baby just takes all my energy away from me! Sorry for such the LONG posts haha. PS I will be 11 weeks tomorrow!!!!!! :)

October!

Where does the time go? I have been waiting for this month because then I will be 3 months along in 2 weeks! Woo Hoo! Hopefully that means my morning sickness will be forever gone. Its been a rough almost 3 months but I wouldn't change it for the world. A lot has changed in these 3 months but I feel like I am finding myself again, and truly learning how to depend on myself and only myself. The father of my child did leave me but is going to be there for the child. It hurt at first because how could he be there for the child but not me? I have now come to copes with it and I am just relieved he is going to be there for his child. Lets just hope he sticks to his word this time.

I used to have so many questions and what if's for the father of my child. Now that I am doing this pregnancy by myself, I am no longer caring about my needs or wants. It is all about my child, and if I am making all the right decisions for her/his future. So far I believe that I am. Has much as I want to not speak to the "sperm donor" haha he has a right to be in her/his life and I want my child to have a father. I just really hope he is the type of father his children can rely on and trust.

I already have my bassinet and pack and play! A girl at work is giving me another pack and play, 3 tubs of baby clothes and more baby stuff. I am so blessed to have people in my life that are willing to help me out so much. And I already have 2 of my friends planning baby showers for me haha I am going to be overloaded with things for this baby. :)

Well it is Saturday and there is a baby convention going on in Austin so I think I might go to that. Or go take a hike near  the lake with my dog for some fresh air and exercise.

Hope you all have a wonderful and great Saturday!

Healing Time?!!?

When is my heart going to be finally healed?! I want it back, I want to be able to love again! Its been a year since everything. I guess I still have another year to go. They always say after a break up you have to give yourself two years to completely get yourself back. I really hope that is true. It's not that I am still in love with him but I still dont have all of myself back. I have dated some good guys, and some complete idiots but I am glad I am out there dating and seeing what type of guy I like now a days. But to tell you the truth, I dont look for these guys, they find me and pursue me until I agree to a date! haha :) First time for me because I used to be chasing the guys. Never thought the tables would turn.

I have a life changing opportunity that I am going to accept if everything happens in the right order. I have been offered to be an Au Pair in Holland for a year starting in August 2010! I am in the mist of figuring everything out, and I still cant believe this might actually happen! This would be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I would love to travel for a year in Holland. I am just praying to God that it works out and I will be there in August. I really need this break and try something new. Go out of my comfort zone, and travel and see different cultures. And then after a year in Holland, I want to spend six months-a year in New Zealand where I am family out there too. Maybe do some schooling in both. Live abroad. Learn some different languages, and learn something new everyday. I think this will be the best thing for my heart and my life. Give me time to mend and heal without any distractions.

I know God puts people in your life for reasons even if you don't know at the time. But I really want to know why he put someone in my life right now that I really adore? Well several people actually. I really hope these people are still in my life once I get back from my traveling adventure. :)I will never forget these people and how they make me feel every time I am around them. I finally feel like my life has meaning again, I am actually going somewhere with my life. I have a purpose again.


Is it bad that I dont believe in forever, love, marriage, relationships? That I will never find someone (even though I'm not looking) who can commit to me fully and know how to be with me and everything that is attached to that? There has to be my soul mate out there somewhere. I dont even think I believe that anymore. I dont believe in the fairy tales, or I dont even have an image of a man that I want for the rest of my life. Maybe I am meant to be alone forever.


Work time!

<3 NMS

California Love

So this past weekend I headed off to California for a friends wedding. It was great because I got to see family and friends that I havent seen since August! I couldnt believe it had been that long. The minute I was landing at Long Beach I knew this is where I wanted to spend the rest of my life; California. I have explored different states and they are great states, just not for me anymore. Cali is where I was born and raised and nothing will ever compare. So my friends wedding turned out great! It was blast and she looked beautiful! It was a bit awkward for my boyfriend because his ex-fling was there ( we sat right in front of her, oops lol), his ex-girlfriends best friends were there too. Poor guy, but he was a trooper and we had such a great time. I literally didnt want to come back to Texas but then again I did. I love spending time with my little brother, sister, mom and George. And I hate that I am leaving but I just need to follow my heart and that is in California. I actually feel like I have a passion in life and that is photography, tattoos, and teaching. I love all three and they all make me feel like nothing in this world can bring me down! Its a high on life I have never felt before and I am so glad God is letting me experience it now. It is an amazing feeling! And it doesnt hurt that I have an amazing man in my life to top it off. I feel like I have direction and know where my life is finally going. I look at life in a new way, a way I have never in the past. It is very refreshing and comforting at the same time. I feel like I am finally marching to the own beat of my drum. And if some doesnt like it then they dont have to be in my life. Which would be a shame because I am a kind loud fun loving person with a good heart!

<3NMS

My Life

So I love when people give me advice because it actually helps me make my decisions a little easier but this time around I am not taking anyone's advice and I am doing what I want to do. I might play it safe or jump off the deep end and enjoy the ride. I only live this crazy but worth it life once so why not jump off the deep end every once and while? And if it so happens not to work out then I have learned another lesson in this life of mine. I hate always trying to control the situation, and knowing where my life is going to go. I cant do that anymore because it is driving me crazy and making me a person I don't want to be anymore. So from now on I am going to go with the flow of things. See where life takes me and not worry so much about the little things =] I am so thankful for everyone in my life that cares about me and help me in every way possible that they can. I am truly blessed and I am loving life even the bad parts of it because that is what makes me a stronger person. I have great people in my life that I wouldn't change for the world! And I have a great guy I am dating that would give up his life just to be with me, and I have never been with someone who would do that for me! So knowing that someone would sacrifice there life they have always known to come be with me is such a wonderful feeling. He is such a wonderful guy and I cant wait to see what God has in store for us. I am going to start going back to church on top of it. I haven't found one in Texas yet, but I will. I grew up with church my whole life and I mis it. I don't know how I let it out of my life, but God never was out of my life just church. But no more I want to start going again. There is alot put into this post but I am just radiating with happiness because my life is going exactly the way I want it to be. Not going to lie I miss my "old" life, my ex-husband and the life that we had but when I look back on it there were more sad times then good times so I am glad that chapter of my life is over. He can say whatever he wants about me but I know in my heart I did everything I could to save that relationship but it was never a healthy relationship to start with. Sometimes things come to an end so better things can come into place, and trust me those better things are coming!

<3NMS