Jan 3, 2011

ive been thinking...

which sometimes can be deadly for me lol.
I havent made any new years resolutions for this year.
And I cant remember what my last years ones were.
I guess maybe those are not for me at all.

Any who this new year has been really good so far.
I start school at the end of this month and I am pretty excited about it.
I am nervous at the same time because I haven't been in school in 2 years.
And this time I am 6 months pregnant lol.
I will be taking the summer off since I will have a newborn.
But once fall hits I am back to the grind of school.
I hope I can stick with school and being a full time mommy.
I am just so happy I have the luxury of being a stay at home mom.
It really is making life so much easier and is going to be such a wonderful experience.
I never thought in a million years I would be able to stay home with my child.
But I do have an amazing man in my life, and I am so thankful for that!

I am twenty three years old but I feel so much older.
With everything I have gone through in my lifetime I feel like I am close to thirty.
Which I wouldnt change for the world because I am more mature and know what I want from life.
I also have always hung out with older people and I think that might have played a factor in my maturity level.
I look like I am nineteen still though which cracks me up.
Especially when I wear my glasses, people look at me crazy with a baby bump haha.

So this is kinda like a life update as well I suppose.
I used to talk a lot about my life on here but ever since going through a really hard time
I have just kept it between myself and close friends/family.
It was really hard for me to cope with and at times it still is.

My baby's father left me when he found out I was pregnant.
We were fighting before I found out I was pregnant
Probably because of all the damn hormones lol.
Well "we" (I) tried to work it out with him cause I generally cared for him.
It didnt work out and I struggled with that for a long time.
About 4 months of my pregnancy I was depressed. 
I give him every opportunity to be in my life as well as his daughters life.
He will make an effort for a little bit and then I wont hear from him. 
He will promise me things and then he never follows through.
But some how everything is my fault when I do something he doesnt like.
We can never talk about his mistakes or how he treat(ed)(s) me. 
We are no longer in the same state because I had to do what was best for my child's life as well as mine.
I told him the day after Christmas that I had moved back home and not returning.
I have not heard from him since. 
It was going to go either way, he was going to make an effort or leave.
I am guessing he left. 
I just dont know how I am going to explain to my daughter why her biological father left.
Why he didnt want to be a part of her life.
Why he never cared or cared about her mother enough to stick around.

I dont understand how someone can just walk away.
Or just be there when they want to be. 
You cant just walk in and out of a childs life.
It doesnt work that way and causes resentment, I should know I lived that life with my mom.
Under different circumstances of course.
It breaks my heart because I never want her to feel like she is not loved.
She has a wonderful man in her life that she will call daddy.
She will always have him to count on and he will never leave her.
He is so in love with her and talks to her in my womb all the time.
I know God wanted it to be this way, and I am happy it is.

Sorry for such a long post, just needed to get some things off my chest.
Check back tomorrow for my weekly belly update!

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