Jan 22, 2011

Sibling Hurt

So I really don't know how to type this or really talk about this but I need to get it out there, maybe just maybe I can get some answers. Also maybe someone else has gone through what I am going through and  can lend some advice. 

My younger brother and I have been through a lot in our life. We had parents that weren't always there, that chose drugs and men/women before their children. I understand now that I am older it was an addiction and I understand what addictions can make a person do and don't do. We saw our dad get arrested more then once, which is enough to do some damage on a child. Our mother was in and out of our lives, by her choice and most times not. We went to go live with our Aunt and Uncle who got custody of us. It was the best thing to happen for us and I thank God every day that it happened. I would never change my childhood because it has made me the person I am today. I just wish my parents knew how to be parents when we were younger. 

Myself, Brother, and Older Siter

We went through counseling through the courts, and made sure the transition was not too hard on us as children. It was going to be hard no matter what, we didnt have a parents around. My brother was still really young, about five years old when all of this was happening. He still didnt know the affect of things just quite yet. Myself on the other hand knew exactly what most of it meant and it went deep. We got to go back to our father how about 3 years later and I thought it was going to be different but it wasnt. Our father was still a drug addict.

We saw everything we shouldn't do, and we saw first hand what drugs and addiction does to a person. I went through more counseling once I got in my teens and even in my early twenties. I had to learn how to let go and forgive my parents. Didn't mean I was ever going to forget the pain and everything I went through.

Christmas 2010

Well I do not know how my brother was feeling, or what he personally went through because he didn't talk much about it. Now we are both adults and my brother has been having a rough time. It breaks my heart to see everything he has been going through but he has to learn on his own like everyone else. Our family is always there to pick you up when you fall but I feel like he is taking advantage of it. Just like our father used to do. 

I believe my brother is bi-polar. He can go from 0-60 in a matter of minutes. He will and can start a fight with anyone on a drop of a dime. He has told myself and other family that he is better then us. He is always right and you are always wrong. He thinks everyone he comes into contact with is on drugs, including myself. I miss being close with my brother but when I see his name pop up on my caller id I start to get anxiety, because I know it will end up with him cursing me out and hanging up on me. He has something against me, he hates me for some reason and I don't know why. We used to be super close, and now any chance he can get he will curse me out, be little me or just try to start a fight with me. It is so hurtful the things he says to me and I try not to let it get to me but its harder when its someone you really care about.

Beach Day 2009
I am so close to stop going to family events that I know he will be attending just to avoid the tension, and the drama. My family barely even knows the things he says to me, and it is just a very depressing situation. I am at a loss right now. I have prayed and prayed but nothing has changed. I just don't know what to do anymore. It hurts my heart so much. I have tried talking to my family about my concerns but they say he will get better, and  thats just who he is. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking its okay for her uncle to treat her mommy the way he is. No one should ever treat anyone that way. And I do not want my daughter around that crap either, she doesn't need to go through what I went through as a child. 

My heart is really hurting. I feel like I am at a loss. 


Dani said...

Nikki- I am so sorry you are going through those emotions. It must be very difficult. I think in the end you really need to put yourself and your daughter first. It is important for her (and you) to be surrounded by people who love you and make you happy. As a new mom you are going to experience a million and one emotions and it is so critical to be in a good situation. I think it is important for you to talk about how you feel. Just always be safe. Feel better mama!

Nikki @ Single Life Of A Mommy said...

Thanks Dani. I am surrounding myself with others that are happy for me and want to be in my life. Just hard that my brother is acting like this. Thanks for the advice :)