Mar 9, 2011

emotional rollercoaster

I have just not been feeling myself lately. I am having contractions but they are just getting me ready for the real thing because they dont hurt just REALLY uncomfortable. I am beyond nervous to be a mom. I am getting anxiety on how to raise her, whats going to happen with her biological father and everything else attached to it. I feel like I am going about my life in all the wrong way.


I am newly divorced, going to have a baby out of wedlock, dating a great guy who is not the father, and the father of my child doesnt speak to me. How in the world did my life get this way?! I feel so dirty that I didnt do it the "right" way. The way I was raised to do it. I dont feel very Christian because of my actions and I feel like I am going straight to hell for it. I know thats not true and life happens but why to me? Why always me? Why cant it just go right for me, just once? 


It still breaks my heart that her father doesnt speak to me. I dont even know where he stands in her life. I have no idea if he wants any part of it. If so why isnt he speaking to me? I have less then  3-6 weeks left of this pregnancy. Does he not understand that? Should I be talking to him? Should I be making the effort since I did move states? Is it my obligation too? 


I am just really bad with change. Some days I miss my old life with my old friends and how it was. But I wouldnt change my life right now for anything. I just remember the good times and never the bad so thats why I am bad with change. My life is simply amazing right now and I wouldnt want to have back my ex husband and the life we had. I was miserable. 


There are just so many things running through my head and it makes me think about things. Am I going to be a good mother? Am I too young to be a mother? Can I be a mother, and full time student and work and keep my love life with this amazing man in my life? How do I find the balance? Ugh I am just an emotional wreck. And to top it off I am having body image problems with being pregnant and I really hope they dont stick around once I am back to my old body. I hope I dont look in the mirror and still see what I see now. Pregnancy is a lot harder then I had anticipated. But then again I have had some shitty times with it due to the fact of the biological father making me feel like I was worthless. 


Well I am running off to school and then dr's appt! :)


Hopefully I have a great day. Thanks for letting me vent. As tears now roll down my face. I am terrified. 


P.S. Welcome new followers! So glad to have you here! :) Hope you enjoy your stay and if you have any questions feel free to ask! 



With Love Nikki

7 comments:

Jen said...

Girl... we so need to exchange numbers. I know it sounds impossible at this point, but I know how you feel.
I will e-mail you my digits... text me if you ever need to talk.
xoxo
Keep your head up!

Nikki @ Life Of A Single Mommy said...

Aww thank you! I have been trying to stay positive and some days I am really good but I just feel like I am failing at life....

Amber said...

I only hope to be as beautiful as you when Matt and I eventually get pregnant. You're going to be a great mom with a lot of support in my Brother and all of us:)

Tori said...

I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now. I know we were never close, but I want you to know that i really believe you will be an amazing mother! Baby Reagan is so lucky to have you and your boyfriend who love her deeply! As for the biological father it is his loss.

Erin Dawn said...

You sound just like me 2 years ago. I felt so trapped and so lost. I was excited to become a mom, but like how you worded it, I didn't "do it the right way." I feel for you.

drea said...

You can and will do it. Trust me on this. There will be difficult days and amazing days and you will totally handle each and every one of them. <3

Nikki @ Life Of A Single Mommy said...

Thank you all for the amazing comments!! It has really helped...