Oct 15, 2009

Broken For How Long?

When I am I going to not feel broken anymore? I dont want to hurt anymore, or cry. I just dont understand why this is all happening to me. I wanted it to work out so bad I even went to counseling and everything but it is still crumbling! When I said my vows I meant forever, not a year. Maybe everyone was right we got married too young? But I still feel like I was ready for it, I knew it wasnt going to be easy and I was willing to do anything for this man and this marriage. There is only so much you can do when the one you love the most is pushing you away. I finally took the pieces of my heart and left because I was done being hurt and trying so hard till I was blue in the face without getting anything in return.

Now he wants to work things out. I mean c'mon six months of me trying and trying, tears after tears, heart break after heart break and now he wants to work on our marriage?! It doesnt seem fair, and I dont want to let him back in because I dont think he is being sincere. I think he is just scared (like me) and holding on because he doesnt want to be alone. But thats no reason to stay in a marriage at all. I loved him with everything I had, I gave him all of me and I never felt good enough. I felt like he took me for granted and just figured I would always be there no matter what he did. And now that I am not I think he is freaking out but not realizing really how I feel or anything about the situation.

After this whole experience I dont even want to get married again. Now more then ever I have trust issues and that just sucks even more. I have even more self consecious about myself and my body then I ever have been. Why does this have to hurt so bad? Why do these tears still fall from my eyes? I just wish there was a big magic marker that could erase the pain this whole thing has caused me. I guess this is what divorce feels like.

<3 NMS

2 comments:

Dana Clark said...

It never gets better to be honest. If youre heart is truely over it and over the heart ache, Move on and dont look back. But if you can see your two working it out then give it one last final try. Together when hes home. Its up to you and only you. In the end Youre all that you have. Not some guy.

lost in this world said...

Thanks girl! Thats what I have been figuring out. I am done, he had multiple chances and now he is just realizing it. It's not fair to me and I dont want to get hurt again.